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Given that there's a wind chill of -14 right now, you might think that I'm about to rant about the cold. Quite the opposite, friends! Bear with me.
When people say that Minnesotans
love to talk about the weather, they’re not kidding. I’ve lived here for 7
years, and still I marvel at it. Minnesotans really, really love to talk about the weather. To be fair, there is a lot
to say about it up here. It’s a standard part of polite conversation, and just
like saying “fine thanks, how are you” when you don’t really care, it gets old.
For the past 5 months, I’ve become
more of a slave to the weather than I ever was before. I work as a teacher’s aide in St. Paul. To
spare the teachers’ prep time, aides supervise drop off, pick up, and 2
sessions of recess in between. I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, but I
spend more time outside than anyone else at the school, by a margin of about an
hour. Nearly half of my 8-hour workday takes place outside. That’s no small
commitment in Minnesota winter!
First thing in the morning, I stand
at the crosswalk for 35 minutes, directing traffic and supervising drop off.
It’s a rude way to wake up, standing around, bored, during the
coldest part of the day. To add insult to this injury, I am forced to field
everyone else’s complaints about the cold.
The children tend to scurry past,
shrieking, “It’s freezing!”
“Quit complaining,” I bark. “You
don’t even know cold!”
Their parents trudge past, and except
for the blessed few who rudely ignore me, they all comment, “Brr! It’s cold out
here!”
Now, I know they only mean to be
friendly. I know that comments on the weather are like emphatic O’s and
you-betchas: it’s just how Minnesotans talk. I know I shouldn’t fault them for
it, because it’s hard to strike up much of a conversation when you’re rushing
past.
But come on. Really?
I’m always tempted to growl,
“Yeah, no shit, windchill of minus 11 is pretty damn brisk, Captain Obvious,” but you’re supposed to be polite to the parents, so I’ve
taken to responding simply, “Don’t remind me.” (I wait until they’ve stepped
past to roll my eyes.)
In an effort to
improve my mornings—and indeed, the conversational flair of the entire state of
Minnesota and parts of Wisconsin—I’ve brainstormed a brief compendium of chatty
one-liners. Should you ever come across someone who stands outside for a
significant portion of the winter—drop off monitors, gas station attendants,
traffic cops, and streetwalkers, just to name a few—don’t tell us that it’s cold out. Believe me, we know. Instead,
consider one of the following slightly more interesting possibilities.
Ways to comment on the weather that are at least slightly
more interesting than “It’s cold!”
- “Wouldn’t it be nice if we had evolved to grow a winter pelt like polar bears?”
- “The good news is, cold outside makes whiskey taste better inside!”
- “My kid’s a Boy Scout. I would have him build you a campfire if we hadn’t had so many problems at home with lighter fluid lately…”
- “I read that at the rate global temperatures are rising, by 2034, Minnesota will have a climate like Florida’s and Florida will finally self-immolate, just like the other 49 states have always wanted. Something to look forward to, right?”
- “Wind like this is why I stopped wearing a toupee!”
- “Cold like this always makes me wonder how Eskimos pee and poop.”
- “The last time I saw anyone as bundled up as you are, I was disposing corpses for the mob!”
Safe topics for those who haven’t quite worked up the
nerve to abandon Minnesotan linguistics
- “How about that thing the Vikings and/or Packers did last night?”*
- “Hockey blah blah blah.”*
- “I wonder if The Lake will ever thaw this year?”*
- Any sentence containing the words bag and bagel, pronounced “baig” and “BAGul,” respectively
- “So how about that cockamamie new contraption at the Mall of America, huh?”
- “I brought you a tasting selection of the 16 kinds of bars I baked this weekend.”
*It should be noted that these topics aren’t actually
interesting, but hey, at least they’re better than, “It’s cold.”
Topics that suggest you follow any news other than the
weather report
- “Just like Alicia Keys said, Obama’s on fire, isn’t he?”
- "How about this crazy filibuster business?”
- "At least we don't live in Syria, right?"
- “They just said on the radio that Jessica Simpson weighs [x] pounds today.”
- “This bump watch for Princess Kate is getting wild!”
- “Why did people ever stop talking about Dennis Rodman?”
Total nonsequitors that would make me think you’re the
coolest person I’ve ever seen, which would say a lot because I’ve met Neko Case
- “As you may have noticed, I don’t have gloves on. That’s because my hands are robotic prostheses due to a brawl with a kimodo dragon that wandered into my hut when I was in the Peace Corps. You should see the dragon!”
- “Dropping the kids off by car is such a drag. I used to just shove them out of our personal helicopter and hope for the best, but my boss pointed out that Soviet double agents shouldn’t attract so much attention to themselves—I mean—oops.”
- “If Little Suzie acts weird today, it’s probably because I accidentally drank her plain OJ and gave her my screwdriver at breakfast. Sorry about that.”
- “Just so you know, I tried to get my personal best friend Wes Anderson to film Rushmore but then I lost a bet we made about our buddy Bill Murray. If I told you the details, I'd have to kill you.”
- “Little Billy’s peanut allergy is such a pain in the ass, I swear to God, I’m just going to give up and let him die one of these days.”
Actual things kids have said to me that are better than
anything any adult has said ever
- “My two favorite interests are princesses and blood sports.”
- “Have you ever meditated underwater?”
- “I’ve gotta round up the puppies!” (It should be noted that there were no puppies present.)
- “When is your birthday and are you married?”
- “You can’t come near me! I’m allergic to people! Achoo!”
